Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Arghhhhhhh
My mother used to call it "ants in your pants," this restless feeling that is all too familiar to me. I can't sit still, but I don't have anywhere to be. I look in the refrigerator, but nothing looks edible, and I have no idea what it is I want. I find myself wandering from one end of the house to the other, and there's plenty I could be doing, but it doesn't interest me. I sit down to write, and no words are the right words. I look at the entries in my phone; maybe a long conversation with someone I care about- or more importantly right now, someone who cares about me. Yet, I can't dial any of the numbers because I don't know what I'd say. I don't even like to talk on the phone. It feels forced- running out of interesting topics to discuss- those long pauses I feel I must fill, awkward moments spilling into one another until goodbye, which can't enter the conversation soon enough. I feel like an alcoholic must feel- a desire in the bottom of my stomach, but an alcoholic, at least, can identify his desire. I consider that lucky in a way. When I was a kid, Mom had all kinds of suggestions: "Clean your room, read a book, go outside, take a warm bath, eat a sandwich, how about a nap?"…I mentally go through that list now, but nothing appeals to me. I couldn't wait to grow up, to make my own decisions, to do what I wanted to do. When will that happen? When will I know? Someone told me once this feeling is "depression talking," but I'm quite happy, so how can it be depression? It's more like I've forgotten who I'm supposed to be, and I keep searching and searching for me to no avail. It's also not a midlife crisis…I feel generally good about where I am in my life's journey. So what is it? I wish I knew.
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6 comments:
And I wish I could tell you what it is and how to fix it. I do know that even the longest lists of "try this" or "try that" doesn't hold the answer. Is it just about sitting down and being with ourselves? I don't know, but I hear you.
whoops, i hate to find grammatical errors after the fact -- but you know what I meant ...
Oh, man. This is what goes on inside my head. You must have taken a tour while your were rambling about. When I was younger, I thought it meant dissatisfaction/unhappiness. Now, I think it is more about being on the verge of action or a thought or a process. It's the restlessness of change... of being on a precipice. Precipice sounds so ominous, doesn't it? I don't mean that. I mean a boundary that will soon be crossed. It can be just the littlest change in thought, spirit or attitude. It can also just be that it is too bloody hot. All I seem to do is finish my chores and then watch endless episodes of McLeod's Daughters on my computer.
It's good to know I'm not alone in this! Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy, and lately it's been worse than usual! I like both of your ideas- Janet- that it might be about "being with ourselves," and Deb- that "being on a precipice" because as ominous as it sounds, that's what it feels like sometimes.
It's time to write somber summer sentences. That's what I did last year. I guess we have all been right where you are. The good news is it doesn't come to stay. Wherever you are in your mind right now, you wrote a beautiful piece about it.
Kathi, you wrote about a place the rest of us have been. And you did it so well--as always. I love Deb's response, too--that feeling you describe so often comes just before a breakthrough. It's like a geographical place, so real it is! I often think I have to be past that feeling (long past the city limits of it and on to a more glamorous place) to even dare to think that I should impose my words on someone else. But it's in those slices between the ups and the downs, in those pauses and self-doubts and ramblings, that I get that catch in the throat and clutch in the heart that feels like I'm solidly There, where truth lives. Thank you for this piece--it's got my wheels turning this Fourth of July morning!
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